There's a great old saying:
"Whether the vase falls on the anvil, or the anvil falls on the
vase -- Either way, it's going to go badly for the vase."
This is a nice way of saying that fine things are fragile, whether they are on bottom or top. In a very similar way, spirituality -- and recovery -- are fragile, and can be quite easily cracked or smashed by unexpected blows.
Similarly, consider the great magician, Harry Houdini. He was an adept of physical training, and could brace his stomach muscles to withstand strong punches. He demonstrated this feat, on October 22, 1926, in Montreal at the Princess Theater. He was relaxing after a show on a couch backstage, when some utter moron, a young athlete from McGill University, decided to test
him without giving him a chance to tense his muscles. The fool punched him hard and unexpectedly, rupturing his appendix; he died in Detroit on October 31, 1926, Halloween, of peritonitis.
Having escaped from every known confinement, Houdini was trapped and done in by aggressive stupidity. His greatness was destroyed by a momentary lapse of vigilance. (As a native Montrealer, it grieves and embarrasses me to relate the tale.)
We often point out that no addict, however long clean, becomesimmune to the possibility of relapse; we have but a daily reprieve. We are sometimes shocked at how quickly the disease
arises when provoked by anger, negativity, self-will, ill health, isolation, and of course, drugs. It seems as though the sheer weight of low and heavy things can drag us down easily, if we are
not strongly vigilant and God-centered. And just as it is easier to stay clean than to get clean, so it is easier to stay serene than to get serene; to be wise than to become wise.
Similarly, innocence and trust, once lost, are not regained easily or automatically. This is especially worth considering by those in service. Over the years, addicts in all levels of service, (from first-time sponsor to grand-lord-high-muckity- muck,) have acted out as addicts do. Having made a mistake, and having been called on it, they tried to cover it up -- or justify it -- or paint those who criticized them as "traitors" trying to "tear NA apart." Then, rather than humbly making amends, they
struck back defensively. For once they had created this false structure of pretense, they not only had to defend it, they had to attack those who were trying to expose it.
Then they had to make wrong into right in their own minds, to justify themselves internally. And when others, whether sponsees or opponents, saw this ugly transformation and drew back, or
tried to tell the emperor to cover his nakedness, they were called appeasers and worse. Those who tried to make peace and heal divisions, were called sellouts and worse. It is always
painful to watch someone we love develop a blind spot of insanity; we are less apt to trust their judgment afterward.
Sadly, the blind spot tends to grow; it can consume our whole mind and recovery, like a moral cancer. Of course, this stuff goes on in families, in politics, in various organizations, even in religious bodies. But it is particularly vicious when addicts do it, because we're so good at it; and it's particularly dangerous for us, because it endangers the whole structure of our recovery and spirituality. And once knocked down and smashed, spirit-centeredness and conscious contact don't just re-coalesce or reassemble; they must be rebuilt.
And yes, all this has happened on both sides of every issue; though those who possess the gavel, the treasury, the press and the phone lines are inherently capable of more mischief and denial in a "service war" than those who stand by powerlessly.
Yet what addict, busy both in service and in service warfare, has time to reconstruct the edifice of spiritual self-awareness? What addict living a lie can afford to admit it -- especially when their sponsors and others they love have been living the same lie? Rage, deceit, pretense, plotting and scheming, name-calling and character-assassination, political intrigue and hardball -- all these are so much a part of the addictive nature, that we easily may slip into these acts like a foot into a well-worn shoe. We usually don't even see it happening. The ones who do see it are often the ones we think are "enemies." So "obviously" they must have biased and wicked motives for offering us correction. If you're in service long enough, you'll see it all, including the display of addicts in full-circle denial, calling their vicious schemes "spiritual," and calling the efforts of others to talk
them out of it "sick." Never underestimate the "lower power" of the disease of addiction.
Even many years into recovery, even having done everything in service, even having worked AND taught the Steps and Traditions, we recovering addicts are all still vulnerable to the sneaky influence of our disease, and to the denial that we are sliding into its clutches. Addicts can slip in and out of the disease seamlessly, ten times in five minutes; Sibyl has nothing on us.
Though working a rigorous, vigorous, vigilant program helps to forearm us against the disease's influence, none of us attain perfect immunity. The delicate structure, the still small voice,
the inner poise and the humble grace -- all can be smashed like a vase on an anvil against the insistence of the disease: "I am right; they are wrong. And I can justify any bad behavior for
the sake of truth and justice!"
There is a way out of this, of course. (No, it's not "Never get into service!" <g> That's like saying "Don't get involved in life.") It's called "Working the Steps." Especially admitting our wrongs and making amends. Whenever we see ourselves getting bent out of shape, losing our serenity and reviling others for their folly, we need to know and remember that such loss of
balance can't be God's will. When we find ourselves hating others or telling stories about them; when we are ready to say or do things that damage or poison others' reputations, plot against
them or falsely accuse them of plots; when we feel like all our problems are due to someone else, and if they'd only disappear we'd be free of our problems -- we need to know and remember the
principle of anonymity, and the urgent need to place principles before personalities, lest we destroy ourselves in aiming to destroy others.
Occasionally others try to draw me into litanies of complaint about others and their wrongdoings. A few times I've gotten sucked in, to my great remorse; but rather than join in a chorus of "Ain't it awful," I usually point out that there has been enough addiction to go around. I know what others have done, or been accused of doing; having to live with their anger and misery is already a great punishment; what's more important is what we have done to each other. All of us, on all sides of every issue, who have injected cruelty, thoughtlessness, meanness and vengeance into our structure, have done a great wrong -- not just to their opponents, but to the fellowship and to themselves. All
of us need to make a collective amends, and participate in a collective cleansing. If we don't, the venom will just keep circulating until the whole body of NA is poisonous and weakened.
All of us must come to pledge to ourselves, to God and to each other, "This vicious cycle ends here, with me." I propose an annual day of prayer and fasting. (It could be New Year's Day, in ommemoration of past blow-outs!) We need to atone for the "sins of service" that all of us have, at one time or another, slid into and never had the courage and wisdom to admit and rise above. Even the mean-spirited and snotty posts online, designed not to illuminate but to embarrass and humiliate, have been service sins. Even inferring indirectly that those who hold peculiar views are hopeless orons, rather than simply saying "I respectfully disagree," has helped to lower the immune-response and raise the blood pressure of our recovering community. Even my angered and outraged replies to
angry and unnecessary put-downs, has contributed to the general level of anger, which I greatly regret and for which I apologize.
In spreading disease, we all get a little sicker. Likewise, in spreading recovery, we all get a little healthier. If we can only restrain ourselves from attacking others, or even just replying angrily, we might arouse more light and less heat. Even when we know we are right and another is wrong, we need to put ourselves in their shoes, and correct them as gently as if our own feelings and public respect were on the line. And until we have true God-understanding, total command of the power of
miracles and 12 guys following us everywhere, we ought never be so doggone sure that we know the whole truth, anyway! A little humility goes a long way in keeping things peaceful.
It is important for us to remember that our spirituality isfragile. A little denial, a little dishonesty, a little thoughtless cruelty, are often all it takes to switch off the connection and hide our souls from the light. Before we know it, we can be in a world of trouble and pain, and afraid to admit
that we've lost it. But service need not lead to moral or spiritual collapse. If we admit ahead of time that we are mortal, vulnerable and susceptible, we may brace ourselves spiritually, arm ourselves
with love, humility and the support of others, and become entirely ready to deal with the inevitable friction of daily reality with humor and with God's help. Since ALL have fallen short of divine wisdom and perfect grace, perhaps the best place to make our mutual amends is in the circle
of recovery. It won't be easy to be restored to sanity, especially when we've been pretending to be sane! But if we all come together, asking each other's pardon and God's assistance,
together we can.
Love and Blessings,
David H. in S. Fla
Copyright © 1997 Beaux Art - Updated 11/11/97