Emptiness

White–the walls, the ceiling, even the floor – everything white. I wonder. Why? I wonder why. The create an atmosphere? White. So clean, peaceful. No, not really. Just white. An illusion? Yes, that’s it. An illusion. Like it’s not really there. Almost, yes . . . almost like I’m not really here. Am I? When I pinch myself, I feel it. Not pain–I just feel it. I’m here. Alone. In this room, in this world I’m alone.

People are around me – all around me. They talk to me, and I answer: they touch me and I respond. But I am alone. Nobody knows my thoughts, my Feelings–nobody cares.

People: always in a hurry. To get someplace? Where? It’s funny–almost. We all end up the same. Some sooner, some later; but it’s the same. Dead. Some actually hurry to death’; some draw back, try to postpone it. Postpone the inevitable? Some are neutral, don’t care. The ignore it. They live, love, hare, laugh, cry . . . live.

Happiness. That is it? Contentment? Belonging? It’s a feeling, not material. Material things are of no value. Belong. Who belongs? Does anybody? To whom or what can I or anyone belong? I belong to my mother–but so does my father, my sister, my brother. I don’t belong. They are happy . . . even with their sorrows they are happy. I am not. My happiness is an illusion, a mood. My moods are unsettled. My illusion is that of unhappiness.

I am tired–tired of life. I am young but so tired. I don’t want to die–I want to live. Live life. . . life the way it was intended. Free.

People either love or they hate. There is no equilibrium. Hate, as a word, is so indefinite. Used to represent loathing of loving. Words are free, meaningless. Our thoughts, our emotions are truth, but so hard to communicate truthful. People are hard, without feeling, almost unreal. Dead. They might as well be.

These walls–so close, yet so far away, distant. The window, barred–from what? The world outside? People? The truth? Protection? That’s it! They want to protect me from all those crazy people out there.

–Leslie Veiga

521 W. Bay Street #12 - Jacksonville, FL 32202